I watched John’s deep breaths raise the covers and drop them down again. In the window over his shoulder the North Georgia sun was peaking through. It splashed a golden spotlight on the pinewood wall that my back rest against. Regan, a sweet Great Dane barks in the near distance. I swore I head the rooster this morning, but it was much too early then.
2018 came through our window in the cozy cabin snuggly positioned across the pond on the back acre of our friend’s lot. The wood burning heater long died during the teen temperatures the night before. 2018 had come – not without warning, nor without welcome, but much too fast.
“We will have a baby this year.” John casually stated during our ride home. My thoughts continued to run rampant as they did the night before. The only silence in them came from filling my mind with a new series of quick-read-pop-culture nonfictional stories as John drifted to sleep with the passing of 2017.
But the thoughts were there, still patiently waiting to finish their torment. Runaway thoughts are so hard to calm. I have too much anxiety for that, and I can be tripped by imaginary scenarios, imaginary enemies, and worries that I only attract instead of repelling with these thoughts.
MAA Log: Day 16
Mindfulness, Acceptance, Appreciation
I am mindful that I am unable to sit still. I am unable to have a quiet mind, and it robs me of the moment. I am mindful that I have unhealthy proportions of runaway thoughts and the only way that I feel I can be unhinged by them is to control and plan every single moment of my life. How exhausting.
I accept that when these thoughts come in, just as with my emotions, I have to have an awareness of them and relax without reaction. Much like watching my son ride a horse this weekend, the horse will trust only what the rider feels. If the rider is stressed or anxious, so to will be the horse. I think life has the same copycat reaction.
I accept that I can not control the outcome of this life by planning everything out. This only makes me more anxious as life is too fluid for rigid plans. I must stay fluid and be directionally correct in our projection and forecasts. But there is no perfection.
This last thought, I appreciate. I appreciate that as I relax in my thoughts and planning, so too does the projectile motion of my life. As I transform, life transforms. As these transforms, the end result goes through a metamorphosis.
I look forward to 2018 and directionally plan, yet I resolve to let go of planning every stage and every step. I adjust directionally toward the end goal, yet fluid in the path.